What has led to my happiness?

Sharing this so hopefully someone out there can be encouraged; this is not me flexing on how good I got it

Since posting this photo I’ve had several people ask me if I’ve been happier lately. Before answering that, this is a photo of Brianna Labello Thomas winning a recent contest at Essential Church. I found it so funny I was doing the millennial-leg-slap-laugh. (Apparently only millennials do that? Source: Brooke Isom—my sister)

Yes. I’m enjoying life and as happy right now as I believe I have ever been. I’d like share how I got here, hoping it will help someone. This is what I’m learning:

Happiness comes and goes. By the time you read this, I could be sad.

Far more important than happiness is joy. Happiness depends a lot on circumstances. Joy comes from knowing that I am loved by a very good God and that at the end of this life, I will be with Him forever—fully conscious, fully alive, and enjoying Him. This joy is available to anyone who accepts His Son, Jesus.

Right now, the circumstances in my life are going pretty well. I want to acknowledge that seasons like this certainly make happiness easier, though my circumstances are far from perfect.

That said, there are a few things I’ve done that I believe have “stacked the odds in my favor” beyond just having good circumstances.

This is the part that might be helpful to you:

Several months ago, I came off Zoloft. (This is not medical advice—talk to your doctor.) I was tired all the time and constantly felt burned out. I later learned that fatigue can be a side effect of Zoloft. Sure enough, within a few days of stopping, I had a ton more energy.

I switched to nearly 100% Christian music. The music I used to listen to wasn’t necessarily bad, but now when I drive, exercise, or read, I play Christian music. It has made a difference.

I’ve been dating a lot more . I’ve become much more disciplined in taking my daughters on weekly one-on-one date nights. When I took them all together, it was chaos. But one-on-one has been a game changer. I can honestly say that not only do I love my kids as much as ever, but I like them more than ever.

More discipline in weekly date nights with Kristin. We still miss some—especially with sickness going around—but we are doing better than ever with this.

Reading the Bible daily. And remembering that this isn’t just a book—it is the recorded words of God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Purpose. I refocused on what I’m doing with my life. I’ve set some challenging goals for my work and primary ministry (Essential Church) as well as side projects (digital discipleship initiatives, the church growth conference, etc).

Learning. I’ve been learning from several pastors lately. Staying curious and feeding that curiosity has given me a fresh excitement for the work the Lord has called me to.

Friends. I hear all the time that ministry is lonely, but that has not been my experience. Don’t get me wrong—there have been times when I’ve made unpopular decisions and I know people are upset with me. Yes, there have been lonely moments. Lonely days, even. But I can’t say I’ve ever had a lonely week in ministry. My lack of lonliness also has a ton to do with This is partly because of the rockstars I work with. My lack of lonliness has a ton to do with my awesome wife Kristin Oakes Milner as well as my great family Tom Milner and Pam Hill. It’s also because I’ve been intentional about meeting monthly with 4-5 pastors. We meet one-on-one (not as a group, though that would be cool too). These are the guys I call when I’m having a “lonely day” or moment. Leaders: if you feel lonely all the time, you’re doing it wrong.

My thoughts. I do not let myself feel sorry for myself. Ever. Even if I’ve been legitimately wronged. When things go bad, I immediately start looking for the fingerprints of God. I’m asking “God what are You trying to teach me. Then I listen.” I’m also intentional about what I allow myself to dwell on. War against bitterness, defeated attitudes, and self-pity.

I’m posting this not because you guys are my therapists but because I know a lot of people struggle with feeling unhappy. Maybe some of these things will be helpful to you.

Finally, if you don’t have a relationship with Jesus, God may be making you sad so you’ll finally come to your senses and return to the One who loves you.